waiting

Isa. 30:18
Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are those who wait for Him.

2 Cor. 12:9--He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness."

I believe suffering is necessary for growth. And I've been doing a LOT of that lately (i meant growth but i guess both works). I'm gonna keep growing, of course. haha, i'm a LONG way off from finished, but I have come a long way since last week. Sunday night was my first Catacombs and it started my week off wonderfully.
I was doing so much better...much happier even though I was so stressed out with all the WORK I've had this week. it's been insane. 3 exams, and daily quizzes, tons of reading.... tis life at Gordon! And I think that actually helped me. Lots of work is a good thing these days. Tonight was really hard, and actually all day it has been really hard having a positive/happy attitude.
As I said, I'm still growing and still working. Still laying it at Christ's feet and learning how to better/more completely trust HIM to get me through!

verses for the day

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3

"Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life. He will return the evil to my enemies; in your faithfulness put and end to them. With a freewill offering I will sacrifice to You; I will give thanks to Your name, O Lord, for it is good. For He has delivered me from every trouble, and my eye had looked in triumph on my enemies." -Psalm 54:4-7

"Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him." -Isaiah 30:18

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved." -Psalm 55:22

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in Him.' The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord..." Lamentations 3:22-26

"For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be glory forever. Amen." Romans 11:36

I've been blogging a lot lately. This is weird! But I need it. Soooo bad.
Last night was my first dance practice!! Or do we call it a class? rehearsal? I'm not sure but it was FUNNNNNNNNN and got my mind off everything for an hour and a half!!!!! It was SOOOO needed. We started learning a combo and danced our hearts out to it. SO GREAT!
Tonight I had my first CATACOMBS practice and it went REALLY well! There are lots of cool people in the band, there is only one other newbie, and she's a freshman. So it's pretty cool. I'm pretty fortunate to have been picked!!! I feel special.
We did a lot of CHILLIN and getting to know each other--had dinner together, talked, messed around a little (okay, a lot)... then sang/played for an hour! We're practicing for Sunday night and i CAN'T WAIT.
My voice is seriously lacking today. Ok, that's an understatement. I really don't HAVE a voice. I got sick yesterday and have slowly been losing my voice. Now after all the singing i REALLY don't sound good. It's pretty funny though. Surprisingly I managed to somehow still sing even with a croaky voice. Not singing my BEST but sing, after all, which i'm thinking is a great accomplishment right now.

I saw the Chiropractor today and thankfully I didn't have another big break down in his office like last week. That was embarrassing. I just started crying right there. And was pretty blinded by tears the whole way home on my bike. I'm sure people in cars were probably like WHAT THE HECK is wrong with her? Is she dying? That's a story I guess I can share. It was interesting. Last thursday morning I went to the chiropractor, and he noticed I looked really tired and kept pressing me to figure out why, so i finally told him i didn't get much sleep, and why...etc... and started crying. Started crying much more outside, and while I was in my own little world of sadness, I saw a blind man crossing the street. He was not at a cross walk and this street was very busy. I stopped to watch him just to make sure he made it ok, and right then, he ran into a stopped car! :-( I FELT SO BAD FOR HIM! I forgot about MY little problems in life and MY emotions and just thought WOW. I have such a good life compared to that guy. I am so blessed. I can see! That poor guy was trusting his walking stick to cross a street, and his walking stick went under the car between the wheels so he didn't know it was there and he smacked right into it! SAD DAY!! That of course made me cry all the harder. I think it was God showing me I have it good. I have so much to be thankful for and don't need to be feeling sorry for myself. Stuff happens but it shouldn't change our whole mood and attitude. I take things for granted too much. I'm thinking this blind guy could have definitely been an angel or just someone God sent me to show me that everything is okay. I am okay and I will be OK.

I'm going to the chiropractor one more time tomorrow to evaluate what's goin on,... to see if the 6 weeks of treatment did anything... i think he'll take more x-rays or something. My shoulder has been SO much better. I really love chiropractors now:-)

It's already the middle of the week and i'm SOOOO GLAD!! I need the weekend! Thankfully school work has not started stressing me out yet. (haha, i have so much other stuff going on i kinda forget i am in school sometimes. right now school doesn't matter to me. i do it but i'm not thinking about it) ....BUT I DO HAVE A mid-quad exam this friday in one lit class, and another one on monday for my other lit class, then my first environmental sci test next friday!!
I was writing poems (or things that look like poems) in class today. I get obsessed with writing and just can't stop sometimes. Songs, poems.... it's good I guess but not when you forget you're in class and you can't concentrate on anything else! My head was somewhere in the clouds I guess.

Okay that's all for tonight. I am still "coping" and trying to understand and trying to survive. I keep listening to the same sad songs OVER AND OVER. Not sure if that's a good thing.......;-) Good night!

I can't say it better than this.

Missing You - Jem

I wish this could be
a happy song
But my happiness disappeared
the moment you were gone
Don't think I ever believed that
this day would come
Now all I'm feeling
is lost and numb

And ohhh I know I promised
Mmmm that I would try

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside

I'll always be thankful
for the time we had
We were blessed
I should celebrate
but I feel too sad
All the wonderful memories
just make me fall apart
And it feels like somebody's
stabbed me in my heart

And ohhh I know I promised
Mmmm that I wouldn't cry

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
want you by my side

Walking, holding hands
Talking, making plans
Touching my heart my soul

I wish this could be
a happy song
But my happiness disappeared
the moment you were gone
Tell me it's not happening
Say it's not as it seems
Tell me that I'm gonna wake up
It's just a bad dream
Please tell me that it's fiction
Tell me it's just a lie
Whatever you choose to tell me
Please say he didn't die

And I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
want you by my side
Ooh well I, miss you
want you by my side
Back here by my side
Here by my side

I need You

SO! Today I found out that I made Catacombs band!!! (Just when I thought all hope was lost....)
I am so thankful to God. I have been wanting to get back into worship leading since leaving Congo. I needed another place to be involved. Too much free time is very bad for me right now. You can probably figure out why.

If Ever - Damita

At this point in my life after all we've been through
I can't see myself living without you
For you to just walk away without having anything to say
It breaks my heart I cant make it through the day
If you ever really loved and everything you said is true
I need you to show me
I need you

Chorus:
If ever (if ever i needed)
I needed (if ever i needed)
You surely i do need you now (surely i need you now)
If ever (if ever i needed)
I needed (if ever i needed)
You surely i do need you now (surely i do need you now)

Just like I need the air to breathe
Just like the birds need the trees
I need You here to say you'll never leave
Just like the day needs the night
I need You as my guiding Light
You're all I need in my life
Cause with You I can do anything
Yes anything with You
I really need You
I need You

Are tears infinite?

Can't Stop the Rain
How, how am I supposed to feel
When everything surrounding me
Is nothing but a fake disguise
I don't know,
I don't know where I belong
It's time for me to carry on
I'll say goodbye

I can't stop the rain from fallin'
I'm drownin in these tears I cry
Since you left without a warning
I face the dawn with sleepless eyes
No I can't go on
When clouds are pushin' down on me, boy
I can't stop, I can't stop the rain
From fallin

So, tell me where I went wrong
I'm stuck inside a dream long gone
It's hard to reveal the truth
Your love,
Is nothing but a bitter taste
It's better if I walk away,
Away from you ....


Escaping Song
Men would die at sea for you
but all I want is you
men would live and die for you
but all I want is you.....you....oo

The beautiful moments we shared together
old and now
Don't make me drink this potion
I'll sleep forever
Until I wake under
the glacier ground
the ground,....the ground...the ground....oh yeah....


Hard to Say Goodbye
We didn't make forever.
We each got to go our seperate way,
And now we're standing here, helpless,
Looking for something to say.
We've been together a long time.
We never thought it would end.
We were always so close to each other;
You were always my friend.

And it's hard to say good-bye, my love.
Hard to see you cry, my love.
Hard to open up that door.
You're not sure what you're going for.


Breaking My Heart
Need to know
I don't wanna know
Already know
I've seen the signs
I watch you as you pull yourself away from me

Can't believe
I wanna believe
How can i believe
You're making me doubt
I thought i knew you
I don't even know myself

I'm losing faith
I'm losing all faith

You're breaking my heart
Breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart again
...

I wanna fight
Afraid to fight
Why don't i fight
And make you see
I hold my breath
And disappear inside myself

I'm losing strength, I'm losing all strength


Loving Arms
If you could see me now
The one who said that she'd rather roam
The one who said she'd rather be alone
If you could only see me now

If I could hold you now
Just for a moment, if I could really make you mine
Just for a while, turn back the hands of time
If I could only hold you now

Ive been too long in the wind
Too long in the rain
Taking any comfort that I can
Looking back and longing for
The freedom of my chains
And lying in your loving arms again

If you could hear me now
Singing somewhere through the lonely nights
Dreaming of the arms that held me tight
If you could only hear me now


Survivor.
I'm a survivor,
I'm not gonna give up,
I'm not gon' stop,
I'm gonna work harder,
I'm a survivor,
I'm gonna make it,
I will survive,
Keep on survivin'...


Something I came up with from *song titles* strung together:
this is my *Escaping Song.* So much for *My HAPPY Ending* in this *Heartbreak Town* or *Heartbreak Hotel.*
So, *Bring on the Rain* last night was *A Night to Remember...*
I had a *Bad Day,* and so many *Little Goodbyes* are *Breaking My Heart.* I only see* Tears and Rain.* All I want are those *Loving Arms...* and it's *Hard to Say Goodbye* to my *Almost Lover* but *Better Days* are coming for me and maybe you...what kind of *Sorta Fairytale* is this? Well the *Thunder Rolls* and the lightning strikes. But *Big Girls Don't Cry* (had to throw that last one in there for fun)

The bomb, it explodes.

Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength.

When I am weak, then I am strong. My God shall be my strength. He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Let him take hold of My strength.
Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you.

-From Daily Light, Sept. 10

What better verses from scripture could I read tonight than these?
I have cried my eyes red, my face blotchy, my voice sore, and my head is now aching. But God is my strength and He will sustain me.

I pray.

An Effort
Alack and woe, oh song: you're mocking me;
try as I may, I'll never be your red, red rose.
A rose is a rose is a rose. And you know it.

I worked to sprout leaves. I tried to take root.
I held my breath to speed things up, and waited
for the petals to enclose me.

Merciless song, you leave me with my lone,
nonconvertible, unmetamorphic body:
I'm one-time-only to the marrow of my bones.
-Wistawa Szymborska (pretty much my new favorite poet)

I pray some more.

What else can I do? Thank GOD for the friends He has provided me with this year.
They have and are helping me SO much!!!

I will trust in the Lord.


Something else I read today:
"God is the author of my call. He has the plan in mind, and I must respond to His nod. Take the thread of wanting to serve wherever He wants you and add it to the mix. The design will thrill you one day." -from the book The Grand Weaver

I pray I can and will do that.

GOODNIGHT.

photoshoot

This family I babysat for this summer are wedding photographers. THey also do senior portraits and 2 weeks ago thought it would be fun to take some pictures of me! We went walking through downtown Beverly, the beach, a park... and went crazy;-) ... No but we did take A LOT!! They wanted more "senior" pictures for their website and I was happy to help! I was very unsure how to model....but it was fun! Anyway if you'd like to see a sample of what they took, go to: www.sherrellportraitdesign.blogspot.com

I found out yesterday that I did NOT make it into Chapel worship band. :-(
I am still praying that I make it into Catacombs!

I am now officially in Gordon's dance ministry!

Gotta go...it's almost bedtime!

So,...now what? :-)

I went to the chiropractor today.
It's been great, I started going at the beginning of Aug. because I found out my insurance covers it! I have had a pinched nerve in my right shoulder for about 4 years so i finally got x-rayd everything to see if there is something bigger going on. Not that you need to know all this, but basically, i have lost most of the curve in my spinal part of my neck, and that has thrown everything off. So I've been going almost 3 times a week to this chiropractor and it has been really helping! Anywho, I rode my bike there today and I told him I had been swimming and was hoping to be on swim team or was at least considering it and seeing if i had time for it... .and he raised his eyebrows and looked very concerned and said: "Umm... I would definitely limit that right now."
And "limit" means going less than 3 times a week which is what I have to do right now to be able to be ready for swim team when it officially starts. We have 3x a week optional practices right now plus dry land training on the other 2 days....and I shouldn't be doing any of that I just found out. "Limit the arm over head exercises."
I have been praying so much that God would lead me and help me know where to get involved and how much time to put into different things. I am disappointed but at the same time, not at all, that I can't do swim team. It is kinda nice having a good real legit reason to not commit to the team. The chiropractor says I shouldn't! And if I can't be in the pool right NOW 3 times a week because he says my muscle is tryin to heal, i will never be able to catch up to the team and start swimming 6 days a week in October. I think I would ruin myself [shoulder].
So it looks like I've made my decision. Or God has. I can't swim. I'm physically not capable.
I really wanted to challenge myself and see if I could really do it. Balance my time between studies, swimming, work, friends, ministries, and alone/God time....but it looked impossible.... I was gonna try anyway.... But now God has shut that door.
I'm grateful in a way though. The pressure is off. I can commit to other things without worrying so much. I am definitely doing dance ministry now, and I am still praying that I got accepted into one of the 2 worship bands I auditioned for.

Well, I made 2 call-backs! And I've already been to the call-back auditions so now I have to sit and wait. and pray more.

I'm so excited for this year and what God has for me. It must not be swim team, so lead me God! I had a rough start with Orientation and other things in my life, but I am doing okay. I know that God has a plan, and I know He has His reasons for everything that's going on. He fills my loneliness, He takes away my sadness, He is there every minute of every day when other people can't be.
My joy is in Him. And I can trust that whatever happens, He worked it out that way and He just wants me to live for Him, live IN Him, live With Him.



the pictures you see are a few of my close friends (top left), my great roommate Emily on the right, and then me with Charlotte, my great suitemate (on right below the previous).

life begins again!

I'm back at Gordon!!
Actually, I've been here for a while. Half a month!
I moved in early to do Orientation staff stuff... so I had a week of training, then moved in freshmen, had my own "Crew" of freshies, and went into boston with them, met up with them lots, hung out,..... etc....
It was a lot. VERY crazy and I probably will never do that again! There's a lot more to say but I won't right now.

Classes started on the 27, and I'm doing 18 credits again. So far, I'm surviving okay. I am a little worried that I'm trying to do too much though. Besides classes, I will be starting up work again (for Deirdre, the high school consultant) on Tues./Thurs. mornings. I have chapel 3 mornings a week and I'm supposed to go to at least 2 of those 3.

I told Becky I'm gonna try to do dance ministry with her... it's basically dance team, but we do more ballet/lyrical/modern style dancing than the dance TEAM.

I am trying out SWIM TEAM until Oct. 6 (Oct. 6 is the day we have to COMMIT...give it a yes or no and start training 6 days/week!)... so for now I'm doing 3 days a week (with the team..."captain's practices") and 2 mornings a week (just with my roommate). It's pretty intense. I have no idea yet if i'll actually be able to or want to do it when it actually starts up for real.

Tonight I had my first audition for Catacombs band. Catacombs is a Sunday night worship service, and ever since last year I've been wanting to be up on stage singing with them.... last year I only made call-backs, so I'm hoping for better this time around! If i get IN, they practice one day in the week and 2 hours on sunday before performing.

Tomorrow night I audition for CHAPEL WORSHIP band! If I don't get into Catacombs I really wanna do this, so I'm hoping for the best. I don't really know which one is better for me or if I am supposed to even do either one. But I'm praying a lot about all this.... all these opportunities,... and trying to not commit to TOO much! I do have lots of homework obviously these days.

I think if I get into one of the worship bands then I will say no to Gospel Choir this semester even though it was really fun. The thing is that it fell apart 2nd semester and barely existed. Gospel choir basically consisted of me and my 2 best friends. We were the only ones dedicated enough for it. This year apparently they had 30 sign up, and they emailed me to ask me to come back. I guess if I don't get into one of the bands I will do it. It isn't THAT big of a time commitment and it's fun as long as lots of people are in it and serious about it!

I have no idea how I'll do all this, but God is strong and so far it sort of looks like everything will work out. Will I have a life? No..... will i ever have free time?? Probably not. :-) We will see how this goes.

The audition tonight I felt like went awesome.... so I'm hoping tomorrow night goes the same!

I'm excited about my classes this semester/quarter.... I have Journalism I, Public Speaking, Nobel Lit: Poetry and Drama, Western Lit: Homer-Shakespeare, Sociology (doesn't start til 2nd quarter), and Environmental Science (the only one i'm not liking at all). Pretty intense schedule but once this quarter is done, both of my lit classes will be finished!!!

By the way-- the big news is that my family found a place in Pasadena, CA and are living there while they're on furlough!! I'm so happy for them and so excited to get to visit at Christmas!!

OKAY-I need to run to bed but I just thought I should update a little!