Taking a peek back into the past

I was talking to my sister yesterday and a bit today and just thinking back to my semester at Mauldin High in SC. I was a junior and was coming straight from being homeschooled my entire life, to the biggest pot head school around (or so people said)! But my older sister and brother both graduated from there so I was excited to go. And I had wanted to be in real school for soooo long so it was pretty exciting.

My whole semester there I never used my locker.
I tried a few times but never could quite figure out a combination lock and was too embarrassed fiddling around with it and didn't want to be late for class since it was on the first floor and all my classes were spread way far apart! I didn't bother. I walked around with a full backpack and stacks of textbooks in my hands. NERD! No WONDER i have back and shoulder problems!!!!!

I tried talking to people in different classes but never had friends to walk with to and from classes. It took me a full week to figure out where each class was and how to get to each place. "At this door, take a left. At this sign, turn right....walk down this hall, turn left..." I passed people in the breeze way every day and it was always so awkward because i recognized their face but never had met them, so I avoided their eyes.

I was made fun of by one kid in Chemistry because I told him about our massive van so he said I rode the short bus to school.

My "friend" who was my deskmate in Chem for half the semester tried pushing me out of my desk a few times. Thought it was hilarious. We got along for some reason. Maybe because he was a bando fat kid and i was a lost homeschooler. Weirdos click.

My other "friend" in history class had long black hair that he never washed and was a little too proud of the fact that it smelled like mouldy cheese. He talked to me.

I was not called Eva, but "Angel" at Mauldin because my journalism teacher couldn't pronounce Evangeline and would remember me as angel because i was so quiet. I never talked in that class especially. (Eva started when I moved to France and stuck in Congo). There are still people who know me only as Vange or Evangeline though.

I had a funny friend in Keyboarding who I really enjoyed sitting with but once he found out I was moving to Africa he never would stop trying to predict that I'd become a drug dealer and hoped i would send some his way.
To this day he would still ask me how my drug business is going.

In art, one of our teachers was fired because he'd yell at us and i think he cussed some kids out. It was the worst, most disbehaved class ever. I didn't learn any art.
I thought I made one friend in that class, but she was the girl that everyone was friends with who was half Asian, drop dead gorgeous, the tiniest girl in the world, always had a new outfit on every day (all aeropostale or AE or hollister clothes) or cutesy care bear cloud rainbow type shirts that were always pastel colors, matching ribbons in her hair (purple or pink usually), and! in always the same color as her shirt, she drew a heart on one cheek with a marker. She came that way to school every day. It took a while but i finally started sitting with her. She didn't really have friends in that class so she would talk to me just cuz it was convenient.

It took me a while, but I finally found a table to sit at in the cafeteria with my friend Lindsay. I don't know how we met since we didn't have any classes together, but we started going to the same youth group, and she would let me sit with her and we hung out out of school. She was my best friend at school I guess, but i only ever saw her at lunch.
Then through that youth group I met my friend Stephen and he was my other only good friend. I think he had been homeschooled as well:-) He was in my chem class so we were lab partners. I only saw him in Chem. and at tues. night youth group.

One day as I was walking across the cafeteria (more like POWER walking across cuz i didn't wanna be late for class), I stepped and slid on a pack of ketchup (but caught myself before falling)! A table of jocks saw me and laughed and I ran to the safety of the big hallway SO EMBARRASSED.

One time I walked into the girl's restroom and a "pretty girl" asked me "Do you even HAVE a butt??" I don't know why. She had never talked to me before, ... i didn't say hi to her or anything. I had just walked past her to go into a stall and that's what she asked me. It was weird but it made me embarrassed and self-conscious.

I could probably think of countless more embarrassing moments and embarrassing things that made up my half a year at Mauldin. For some reason, I remember liking it though. No I didn't really have good friends, but i was SLOWLY making progress. That's why I was pretty disappointed when I found out we were moving to Africa. I had just discovered an AWESOME youth group on Tues. nights that wasn't part of my church but made up of kids from churches and schools all over and it was definitely one of the best things about my life in SC. The youth group was helping me meet more christians that went to Mauldin and it was just amazing how I was growing spiritually through that group. If it hadn't been for that youth group, though, I don't think my attitude about moving to the Congo would have been the same. It helped me realize I had to be open to where God was calling my family. It made me see that all things work together for good, and this could be/would be a very good thing if i tried to make it a good thing and accept it. At my 16th birthday that year i had 20 friends who showed up.... and at my goodbye party, i think about the same number or more showed up to celebrate. I don't know how I had so many friends being SO shy! but that youth group helped me meet a lot of them and brought me closer to them.

Now I didn't take you back to my high school days at Mauldin to get you to feel sorry for me. I actually told you all this to get you to laugh. I do the same, when I look back. I kept thinking of these funny stories, and couldn't believe how shy I was and the stuff I put up with.... I think it's really funny how different of a person I am now. And I'm thankful for that.

Looking back at other things, I see how much I have made it through.
There were some guys who moved out of my life,
Some friends who I thought I'd be close to forever,
Some places I thought I'd be forever,
Emotions I thought I'd feel forever,
and more.... but all of this shows me I am becoming stronger every year.
There's only one person on earth (not including family) who I haven't lost yet through all my moves and all the different experiences I've faced.
His name is Zaq. I have called him my best friend now since 2003. No matter how much we see each other, we always know that nothing will ever change between us. I still somehow feel really close to him and we don't email "novels" very much anymore (though we did that for years and now I miss it) ...We don't get to talk on the phone every week, but we still talk like nothing has changed. We both have changed a lot though. We've both grown up a lot. I didn't see him for 2 whole years, then I saw him for 2 days in summer '07, and now I haven't seen him since. I've made a goal to see him again before I turn 21 or by my 21st birthday. It has just been too long!! I can't believe how much time has passed since we've lived in the same place and went to the same homeschool group (where we met). I won't forget his crazy talents including baking delicious, beautiful, amazingly creative cakes, making outstanding truffles for Valentines Day, making crazy (but scarily realistic) prosthetics including gross pirate teeth and weird noses & chins, his ability to ACT and DIRECT, the way he threw parties with his family, the way he can take a picture or film a movie, him telling me he is very unsocial.... his DVD collection, his knowledge of every movie ever made, his crazy knowledge of actors and directors,...even producers, ... his love for horror movies,....his support for me and all his advice,.... I could go on and on. I miss my best friend. My sort of non-related brother who I hope I will always be able to stay in touch with.

Relient K in Worcester

My head feels like a bowling ball. It's hard to support it and it's pounding.
Quad break started for me today after 2 exams yesterday and a midterm on Monday!
All of them went pretty well... but i'm very unsure about the env. sci.. midterm. That class is kickin my butt. Except I did find out what I got on my FIRST sci. exam and it was an 81% so that gives me some hope (Class avg. was 75 so i can't complain!). I felt like i had done awful on that test so it was a pleasant surprise. Maybe the same thing will happen again?

Anyway, back to why my head hurts. No I was not partying last night, although I had good reason to. I decided at the last minute to go with my friend Amanda to the Relient K concert in Worcester!! We left at 5, got there an hour and a half later, and then the bands didn't start playing til 7:30! The theatre was interesting. Pretty cool... it looked like they had converted it from an old opera house into a pretty chill rock concert place. The openers were House of Heroes, then a band called Providence played, then Ludo, and FINALLY around 10, Relient K got up there! THEY WERE AWESOME! And they played a LOT of songs I knew (since i haven't really kept up with them since their 4th cd came out, i was surprised).
Most definitely the funniest part of the night was the 3 people right in front of us.
We'd like to call them the "Mormon triplets." Let me explain why...
There was a guy around 15 (maybe 16 if we're being generous) and a girl attached to each of his shoulders. Now the little girls couldn't have been more that 15. That's bein VERY nice. I think they were around 12 or 13 though. And they wouldn't stop clinging to his shoulders, nuzzling into his neck.... and he would caress them back. it was SO WEIRD> I don't think I've ever seen anything like it! The blond one that got his left shoulder was a tiny bit prettier and seemed to be the favored one. The dude was just really happy to have 2 girls.....but you could see that he preferred blondie! It was funny for a while watching them, but then it just got irritating and annoying. What was wrong with them? What was wrong with the poor curly haired girl on the right that just kept clinging on? And was that her MOTHER to the far right dancing? There was some older lady who looked a little like the curly haired girl who left at the same time they did.... We weren't sure if there was any relation or just coincidence but if that was her mother, WHAT HAPPENED? What was wrong with that woman?? It was just so funny. One time in between bands the blond girl walked away with the guy but i thought i saw all 3 of them leaving, so i started clapping and getting really excited. I turned around and hear "You know they'll be back, right?!" .... the curly haired girl was there still. OOOPS! I turned around back to my group I was with and pretended that didn't happen. hahahhaa
At the beginning of the concert, Amanda and Eli (Junior who came with us) went to go get water and i stayed to save our spot. The kids turned around and started talking to me. It was the most awkward conversation of my life, i think. They told me that the city they were from invented the Spork (what do you say to that?) .... they told me the guy was from "Clownville" and Laura was from "Cow-ville" .... and they told me their names were Laura and Laura-Lei. Imagine that.
I was so happy when A & E came back!! And also the 3 kids left after their band Ludo played so they didn't stay for Relient K.... which was when the MOSHING started.
Yeah, not real moshing I guess but the closest thing I have come to real moshing!

Everyone sorta forms a circle, and in the empty space inside the circle everyone runs around pushing each other. I got pretty into it,.... got a little bruised up and suddenly was on the ground, I got pushed so hard! Once i was on the ground my life kinda flashed before me. There were SO many people around me jumping and I was preparing myself to be crushed. I felt 2 kicks in the face, and then someone helped me get up and everything sorta stopped for a split second to make sure i was ok. I was impressed that people were so nice! But then we started jumping again. And besides feeling a little ill and bruised i was fine.
Crowd-surfing wasn't allowed. One of Eli's friends tried (eli and a. lifted her up and passed her forward) but she got to the front and the bouncer grabbed her and carried her off. It was hilarious!!
Near the end of the concert (around 11:15) Relient K was closing with a slow-ish song and i felt like i was about to collapse! My whole body just ached (i was sore to begin with from the gym the other day) and my eyes wanted to close. I thought i was going to fall down... but the concert ended and I learned how to hear again and speak... and I was fine!
OH we met the lead singer of House of Heroes and my friend talked to him for a while. I kinda just stood to the side (after shaking his hand) because i hadn't heard much of their music so wasn't a true hard-core fan. But their music was good... and Tim, the lead was really nice.

The concert ended around 11:30, we went to wendy's cuz we were starving, then got home at about 1:45. I crashed right away. Well,. . . after a shower.

so i'll crawl underneath my blanket

Today was a hard but good day. Woke up at 7 to go to the gym with Koto...showered, had devos, rode my bike to work at Deirdre's, played with her dogs, did some expenses and filing, copying, and stuff like that.... not difficult at all but then i came back, had my 3 classes in a row, got to my 3rd class and realized i had COMPLETELY forgotten to read for it! We have quizzes every day on the reading for that class so i really have no clue how i would forget to read. Pretty funny. I totally made up answers and i don't think ANY of them were right... sigh.... Why can't i be blessed with the gift of BSing? ;-)
It's also homecoming week so i've been dressing for points and today we had some blow up bouncy thingys outside -- like an obstacle course (almost a bounce house but better), a blow up wrestling ring "king of the mountain" type thingy, and another one with a bungy cord. I tried it all except king of the mountain. The obstacle course was great fun:-) And then we got ice cream sundaes and cheesecake. You gotta love the Gordon Student Association.

Oh and Chester's Place opened this week too!! (Gordon's alcoholic-free "Pub"/student hangout) Named after some very rich donor's cat. The Fowlers. They gave gordon lots of money so now we have a student hangout named after their cat. Wonderful. Shouldn't we have their cat roaming around the place then? Or at least in a cage? That would be nice. That would make it so much better. :-p It really has a "pub" feel though. It's all dark wood, hardwood floors, wooden booths (that are very hard to slide into because they're made for very skinny bodies), a small fireplace, big mantlepiece, wood ceiling,... i can't describe things very well tonight but yeah it'll be good to have.

Oh man. This was such a slacker week! Yesterday I accidentally slept through my first class!! I woke up to my suite mate timidly saying "Eva? Oh sorry! Did i wake you?" and i looked at my phone and it was 11:15!! My class was at 9:45. OOPS! First class of the year I've slept through! But it has to happen at least once a year i think. I dunno i guess i've just been extremely tired. .. .

EVERYONE IS SICK! 3 of my friends (one of them is my roommate so that's not good) at least! So I'm taking my Vitamin C and garlic hoping not to catch anything. Koto has bronchitis! Ah! This would be the WRONG weekend to get sick because KATE IS COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!! She and Andy are driving down from Maine tomorrow.... meeting us at Rainforest Cafe where 18 of us are going to be having a little BIRTHDAY DINNER for Koto and Charlotte:-) i can't wait!! It'll be so fun! And Kate'll be here til SUnday night or monday morning so I'm so happy. Haven't seen her since MAY!

I'm really scattered right now so I'm gonna keep flying randomly through my life/week. I've gone 2 or 3 weeks in a row now with Koto going to the gym at 7:15am MWF. It's been SO great to workout so early. It's such a nice way to start the day. Yeah it's HECK waking up but once i am up it's happy. And then I get back to my room and shower and read my Bible...sometimes I have time to journal too. So that's been extreeemely nice.
I have a LOT coming up next week work-wise. Not looking forward to it at all but it will be Quad break next weekend which means i'll be dropping 2 classes!!! My 2 lit classes will be done but then of course i'm picking up sociology so it'll only feel like i'm dropping 1. Anyway though, I studied/worked for 4 hours straight tonight because i have 2 papers, 3 exams, and a big presentation all next week beginning Monday. YUCK. Environmental Science is kicking my butt and we have our 2nd exam on monday! not happy. the rest of the stuff like my presentation and paper for Nobel Lit should be good. It's kinda a fun project we're doing.... and then my other paper is just a "journal..." and the lit exams should be easy. So i'm not TOO worried. It's just science that I worry about I guess.
Why is Gordon so hard???

I picked the songs this week for Catacombs with Colby and we're singing some great stuff. I got to pick the "theme" too ... based on what's goin on in my life and what God's been showing me and telling me. Oh and we have a violinist now too! Which is AWESOME!!! So I can't wait til Sun. night. :-)

Okay Enough Random Rambling For Now!
I'm gonna try to get some sleep after watching the most recent episode of Pushing Daisies. The cutest show ever, but probably very bad for me to be watching these days. It just makes me sad.

It's been a month

Wait right here
Was all she said to me
And so right here I stay
Time has reached our home
And I've been left alone
It's carried him away

And everyone keeps saying
Nothing helps but time
Time is all I own
The timings stop replaying over in my mind
I watch the hours slow down

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away
I know I can't take it
‘Cause I see now
It's just one of those days

Now a year has passed
Alone I stay inside
And I await the rain
To wash away your face
So I don’t have to hide
The sight of you is painful

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away
I know I can’t take it anymore
‘Cause I see now
It's just one of those days

I can't stop
Seeing your face
I can't stop
Seeing your face
Everyplace

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away
I know I can't take it anymore
‘Cause I see now
It's just one of those days (yeah)

Joshua Radin

oh!

"Charcot-Marie-Tooth, or CMT, is the most commonly inherited neurological disorder and is found world-wide in all races and ethnic groups. Discovered in 1886 by three physicians, Jean-Martin-Charcot, Pierre Marie, and Howard Henry Tooth, CMT affects an estimated 2.6 million people.

CMT patients slowly lose normal use of their feet/legs and hands/arms as nerves to the extremities degenerate and the muscles in the extremities become weakened because of the loss of stimulation by the affected nerves. Many patients also have some loss of sensory nerve function."

My younger brother probably has CMT.
We just found this out when he saw a doctor about his abnormally high-arched feet. He then was referred to a neurologist, had some shocking (by shocking i mean they actually shocked him) tests done, and on Friday the doctor told him he probably has this neurological disease. When the doctor did some reflex tests, like the one where they tap your knee with the hammer, his leg didn't react at all. Didin't move. I researched CMT because i had no clue what it was and found this site very helpful.... http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/charcot_marie_tooth/detail_charcot_marie_tooth.htm ...but a little discouraging. My poor brother!
"The neuropathy of CMT affects both motor and sensory nerves. A typical feature includes weakness of the foot and lower leg muscles, which may result in foot drop and a high-stepped gait with frequent tripping or falls. Foot deformities, such as high arches...are also characteristic due to weakness of the small muscles in the feet."
Please pray for him as he learns what this means for his life and learns how to still be grateful to God. It is a disease that progressively gets worse, but right now, he is okay. The doctor told him he can't play sports except swimming so that is a let-down to him, and the doctor also said he probably will have to think about a new career (my brother wanted to be a security guard or in the Secret Service and the doctor says he'll have to re-think that).... he can't do anything that is physically demanding or physical period.
It is a big surprise, but we are trusting God and hoping that this makes Theo stronger and helps him grow.

Jim Elliot

I went to a concert tonight at Gordon all about Justice.
It was so amazing and Sara Groves was there. In the middle of her song "When the Saints" which had a slideshow going on with it,... i see a picture of my grandfather. It was so amazing! I love that his life/story has inspired SO many people. When I told the Catacombs band tonight he was my grandfather they all flipped out:-) It was great!! So here's the awesome song.

Lord I have a heavy burden of all I've seen and know
It's more than I can handle
But your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones
and I cannot let it go

And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

Lord it's all that I can't carry and cannot leave behind
it often overwhelms me
but when I think of all who've gone before and lived the faithful life
their courage compells me
And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars

I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharoahs court
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord

And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul

I see the young missionary and the angry spear <---- this is about Jim Elliot!
I see his family returning with no trace of fear

I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the sisters standing by the dying man's side

I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door

I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load

And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
and when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
I want to be one of them
I want to be one of them
I want to be one of them

I'd Rather Be With You

by Joshua Radin
Sitting here, on this lonely dock
Watch the rain play on the ocean top
All the things I feel I need to say
I can't explain in any other way

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too

Now here's the sun, come to dry the rain
Warm my shoulders and relieve my pain
You're the one thing that I'm missing here
With you beside me I no longer fear

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too

I could have saved so much time for us
Had I seen the way to get to where I am today
You waited on me for so long
So now, listen to me say:

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too
Say you feel the way I do


^this makes me cry! - -
<>

Please Come Back

"Please Come Back" - Michelle Tumes

I can't breathe
It's agony
Wondering where you are

Picture me on my knees
Have you run too far?

Can you hear
Can you hear the sound of my heart break
With each step you take
Can you feel
Can you feel me when I say

Please come back to me
I miss you, will you come to your senses
Please come back to me
I await the day when I prepare the feast
And I embrace you running to me

All I am
All I have
Is yours to find
You hide and seek
You think you're free
But you're wasting time

I can hear
I can hear the sound of footsteps pounding
Regret resounding
I believe
I believe the hour is near

What would you give for a ransomed heart
Would it cost too much
I'm telling you now, if you run to me
You will be free

You'll be running, you'll be running back to me

I have been thinking of Christ as the father of the Prodigal Son. He is always calling for us to come back to Him. He's always waiting with open arms, wanting to forgive us and welcome us back into His family. If only we would trust Him and listen for His calling. I felt like He was telling me the other night when I was hurting a lot: "Why do you cry? Why do you wallow in this sty of dirty grief, sadness and pain when I am here? You know I'm here for you and you know you can be happy because I have done so much for you! Can you just trust Me and Come Back? I love you. I've always loved you. There's no need to be sad any longer. Lay it all on me and move on."
He puts things or experiences in our lives for a reason. I honestly believe that to be true. I am so thankful for the lessons I've had to learn even though that learning process has been tough.
I have much more to say but I'll save it for another day! Love Michelle Tume's song!

It's looking a lot brighter!

Every day gets better and better. The clouds are finally starting to disappear and I know I will survive. I've got this guy. He's unbelievable. He's powerful. He's comforting. He Loves Me for who I am.

His name is Jesus and He holds me in His arms and whispers that everything will be alright. And I know I can trust Him.

And I know that He is the most important part of my Life right now. It is HIM I am getting close to. I've been growing so much that I am so happy right now! I am so thankful that He caught me when I fell so hard (when I thought I couldn't pick myself up again). And He caught every tear that fell, and is holding my hand. He's right beside me ALWAYS. I've fallen in love with my Savior and it's the most awesome experience in the world. What a feeling! Going deeper with Him. Every day. When I feel like everything is coming undone and falling apart, I just call out to Him and He sews it up or puts on a patch. He's healing my heart. He's stopping all the bleeding. I have a new joy. A new outlook on life.
I'm changing.
I'm stoked about that.
I'm devoting my heart and soul to Him. More and more. You can't grow without a little testing and suffering! God knows what He's doing. Sometimes He takes away good things to get us to get deeper into HIM, and closer to Him, and to remind us and make us realize HE IS ALL WE NEED!

And every day of course it's a battle. I'm a sinner and I'm a screw up, but He always forgives and I know I can always crawl back to Him, wounded and broken, and He will heal me. And make me like new. He's protecting me. Defending me. I am waiting on Him and trusting Him to get me through this rough patch. I see a lot of sunlight in the distance though. And the darkness around me has begun melting.
"Getting Into You" - Relient K
When I made up my mind
And my heart along with that
To live not for myself
But yet for God, somebody said
Do you know what you are getting yourself into

When I finally ironed out
All of my priorities
And asked God to remove the doubt
That makes me so unsure of these
Things I ask myself, I ask myself
Do you know what you are getting yourself into

Chorus:
I'm getting into you
Because you got to me, in a way words can't describe
I'm getting into you
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm going to love you with my life

When he looked at me and said
I kind of view you as a son
And for a second our eyes met
And I met that with a question
Do you know what you are getting yourself into
(chorus)
I've been a liar and I'll never amount to
The kind of person you deserve to worship you
You say you will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do you say
I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into
(chorus)

He said, I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into

waiting

Isa. 30:18
Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are those who wait for Him.

2 Cor. 12:9--He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness."

I believe suffering is necessary for growth. And I've been doing a LOT of that lately (i meant growth but i guess both works). I'm gonna keep growing, of course. haha, i'm a LONG way off from finished, but I have come a long way since last week. Sunday night was my first Catacombs and it started my week off wonderfully.
I was doing so much better...much happier even though I was so stressed out with all the WORK I've had this week. it's been insane. 3 exams, and daily quizzes, tons of reading.... tis life at Gordon! And I think that actually helped me. Lots of work is a good thing these days. Tonight was really hard, and actually all day it has been really hard having a positive/happy attitude.
As I said, I'm still growing and still working. Still laying it at Christ's feet and learning how to better/more completely trust HIM to get me through!

verses for the day

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3

"Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life. He will return the evil to my enemies; in your faithfulness put and end to them. With a freewill offering I will sacrifice to You; I will give thanks to Your name, O Lord, for it is good. For He has delivered me from every trouble, and my eye had looked in triumph on my enemies." -Psalm 54:4-7

"Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him." -Isaiah 30:18

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved." -Psalm 55:22

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in Him.' The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord..." Lamentations 3:22-26

"For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be glory forever. Amen." Romans 11:36

I've been blogging a lot lately. This is weird! But I need it. Soooo bad.
Last night was my first dance practice!! Or do we call it a class? rehearsal? I'm not sure but it was FUNNNNNNNNN and got my mind off everything for an hour and a half!!!!! It was SOOOO needed. We started learning a combo and danced our hearts out to it. SO GREAT!
Tonight I had my first CATACOMBS practice and it went REALLY well! There are lots of cool people in the band, there is only one other newbie, and she's a freshman. So it's pretty cool. I'm pretty fortunate to have been picked!!! I feel special.
We did a lot of CHILLIN and getting to know each other--had dinner together, talked, messed around a little (okay, a lot)... then sang/played for an hour! We're practicing for Sunday night and i CAN'T WAIT.
My voice is seriously lacking today. Ok, that's an understatement. I really don't HAVE a voice. I got sick yesterday and have slowly been losing my voice. Now after all the singing i REALLY don't sound good. It's pretty funny though. Surprisingly I managed to somehow still sing even with a croaky voice. Not singing my BEST but sing, after all, which i'm thinking is a great accomplishment right now.

I saw the Chiropractor today and thankfully I didn't have another big break down in his office like last week. That was embarrassing. I just started crying right there. And was pretty blinded by tears the whole way home on my bike. I'm sure people in cars were probably like WHAT THE HECK is wrong with her? Is she dying? That's a story I guess I can share. It was interesting. Last thursday morning I went to the chiropractor, and he noticed I looked really tired and kept pressing me to figure out why, so i finally told him i didn't get much sleep, and why...etc... and started crying. Started crying much more outside, and while I was in my own little world of sadness, I saw a blind man crossing the street. He was not at a cross walk and this street was very busy. I stopped to watch him just to make sure he made it ok, and right then, he ran into a stopped car! :-( I FELT SO BAD FOR HIM! I forgot about MY little problems in life and MY emotions and just thought WOW. I have such a good life compared to that guy. I am so blessed. I can see! That poor guy was trusting his walking stick to cross a street, and his walking stick went under the car between the wheels so he didn't know it was there and he smacked right into it! SAD DAY!! That of course made me cry all the harder. I think it was God showing me I have it good. I have so much to be thankful for and don't need to be feeling sorry for myself. Stuff happens but it shouldn't change our whole mood and attitude. I take things for granted too much. I'm thinking this blind guy could have definitely been an angel or just someone God sent me to show me that everything is okay. I am okay and I will be OK.

I'm going to the chiropractor one more time tomorrow to evaluate what's goin on,... to see if the 6 weeks of treatment did anything... i think he'll take more x-rays or something. My shoulder has been SO much better. I really love chiropractors now:-)

It's already the middle of the week and i'm SOOOO GLAD!! I need the weekend! Thankfully school work has not started stressing me out yet. (haha, i have so much other stuff going on i kinda forget i am in school sometimes. right now school doesn't matter to me. i do it but i'm not thinking about it) ....BUT I DO HAVE A mid-quad exam this friday in one lit class, and another one on monday for my other lit class, then my first environmental sci test next friday!!
I was writing poems (or things that look like poems) in class today. I get obsessed with writing and just can't stop sometimes. Songs, poems.... it's good I guess but not when you forget you're in class and you can't concentrate on anything else! My head was somewhere in the clouds I guess.

Okay that's all for tonight. I am still "coping" and trying to understand and trying to survive. I keep listening to the same sad songs OVER AND OVER. Not sure if that's a good thing.......;-) Good night!

I can't say it better than this.

Missing You - Jem

I wish this could be
a happy song
But my happiness disappeared
the moment you were gone
Don't think I ever believed that
this day would come
Now all I'm feeling
is lost and numb

And ohhh I know I promised
Mmmm that I would try

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside

I'll always be thankful
for the time we had
We were blessed
I should celebrate
but I feel too sad
All the wonderful memories
just make me fall apart
And it feels like somebody's
stabbed me in my heart

And ohhh I know I promised
Mmmm that I wouldn't cry

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
want you by my side

Walking, holding hands
Talking, making plans
Touching my heart my soul

I wish this could be
a happy song
But my happiness disappeared
the moment you were gone
Tell me it's not happening
Say it's not as it seems
Tell me that I'm gonna wake up
It's just a bad dream
Please tell me that it's fiction
Tell me it's just a lie
Whatever you choose to tell me
Please say he didn't die

And I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
want you by my side
Ooh well I, miss you
want you by my side
Back here by my side
Here by my side

I need You

SO! Today I found out that I made Catacombs band!!! (Just when I thought all hope was lost....)
I am so thankful to God. I have been wanting to get back into worship leading since leaving Congo. I needed another place to be involved. Too much free time is very bad for me right now. You can probably figure out why.

If Ever - Damita

At this point in my life after all we've been through
I can't see myself living without you
For you to just walk away without having anything to say
It breaks my heart I cant make it through the day
If you ever really loved and everything you said is true
I need you to show me
I need you

Chorus:
If ever (if ever i needed)
I needed (if ever i needed)
You surely i do need you now (surely i need you now)
If ever (if ever i needed)
I needed (if ever i needed)
You surely i do need you now (surely i do need you now)

Just like I need the air to breathe
Just like the birds need the trees
I need You here to say you'll never leave
Just like the day needs the night
I need You as my guiding Light
You're all I need in my life
Cause with You I can do anything
Yes anything with You
I really need You
I need You

Are tears infinite?

Can't Stop the Rain
How, how am I supposed to feel
When everything surrounding me
Is nothing but a fake disguise
I don't know,
I don't know where I belong
It's time for me to carry on
I'll say goodbye

I can't stop the rain from fallin'
I'm drownin in these tears I cry
Since you left without a warning
I face the dawn with sleepless eyes
No I can't go on
When clouds are pushin' down on me, boy
I can't stop, I can't stop the rain
From fallin

So, tell me where I went wrong
I'm stuck inside a dream long gone
It's hard to reveal the truth
Your love,
Is nothing but a bitter taste
It's better if I walk away,
Away from you ....


Escaping Song
Men would die at sea for you
but all I want is you
men would live and die for you
but all I want is you.....you....oo

The beautiful moments we shared together
old and now
Don't make me drink this potion
I'll sleep forever
Until I wake under
the glacier ground
the ground,....the ground...the ground....oh yeah....


Hard to Say Goodbye
We didn't make forever.
We each got to go our seperate way,
And now we're standing here, helpless,
Looking for something to say.
We've been together a long time.
We never thought it would end.
We were always so close to each other;
You were always my friend.

And it's hard to say good-bye, my love.
Hard to see you cry, my love.
Hard to open up that door.
You're not sure what you're going for.


Breaking My Heart
Need to know
I don't wanna know
Already know
I've seen the signs
I watch you as you pull yourself away from me

Can't believe
I wanna believe
How can i believe
You're making me doubt
I thought i knew you
I don't even know myself

I'm losing faith
I'm losing all faith

You're breaking my heart
Breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart again
...

I wanna fight
Afraid to fight
Why don't i fight
And make you see
I hold my breath
And disappear inside myself

I'm losing strength, I'm losing all strength


Loving Arms
If you could see me now
The one who said that she'd rather roam
The one who said she'd rather be alone
If you could only see me now

If I could hold you now
Just for a moment, if I could really make you mine
Just for a while, turn back the hands of time
If I could only hold you now

Ive been too long in the wind
Too long in the rain
Taking any comfort that I can
Looking back and longing for
The freedom of my chains
And lying in your loving arms again

If you could hear me now
Singing somewhere through the lonely nights
Dreaming of the arms that held me tight
If you could only hear me now


Survivor.
I'm a survivor,
I'm not gonna give up,
I'm not gon' stop,
I'm gonna work harder,
I'm a survivor,
I'm gonna make it,
I will survive,
Keep on survivin'...


Something I came up with from *song titles* strung together:
this is my *Escaping Song.* So much for *My HAPPY Ending* in this *Heartbreak Town* or *Heartbreak Hotel.*
So, *Bring on the Rain* last night was *A Night to Remember...*
I had a *Bad Day,* and so many *Little Goodbyes* are *Breaking My Heart.* I only see* Tears and Rain.* All I want are those *Loving Arms...* and it's *Hard to Say Goodbye* to my *Almost Lover* but *Better Days* are coming for me and maybe you...what kind of *Sorta Fairytale* is this? Well the *Thunder Rolls* and the lightning strikes. But *Big Girls Don't Cry* (had to throw that last one in there for fun)

The bomb, it explodes.

Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength.

When I am weak, then I am strong. My God shall be my strength. He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Let him take hold of My strength.
Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you.

-From Daily Light, Sept. 10

What better verses from scripture could I read tonight than these?
I have cried my eyes red, my face blotchy, my voice sore, and my head is now aching. But God is my strength and He will sustain me.

I pray.

An Effort
Alack and woe, oh song: you're mocking me;
try as I may, I'll never be your red, red rose.
A rose is a rose is a rose. And you know it.

I worked to sprout leaves. I tried to take root.
I held my breath to speed things up, and waited
for the petals to enclose me.

Merciless song, you leave me with my lone,
nonconvertible, unmetamorphic body:
I'm one-time-only to the marrow of my bones.
-Wistawa Szymborska (pretty much my new favorite poet)

I pray some more.

What else can I do? Thank GOD for the friends He has provided me with this year.
They have and are helping me SO much!!!

I will trust in the Lord.


Something else I read today:
"God is the author of my call. He has the plan in mind, and I must respond to His nod. Take the thread of wanting to serve wherever He wants you and add it to the mix. The design will thrill you one day." -from the book The Grand Weaver

I pray I can and will do that.

GOODNIGHT.

photoshoot

This family I babysat for this summer are wedding photographers. THey also do senior portraits and 2 weeks ago thought it would be fun to take some pictures of me! We went walking through downtown Beverly, the beach, a park... and went crazy;-) ... No but we did take A LOT!! They wanted more "senior" pictures for their website and I was happy to help! I was very unsure how to model....but it was fun! Anyway if you'd like to see a sample of what they took, go to: www.sherrellportraitdesign.blogspot.com

I found out yesterday that I did NOT make it into Chapel worship band. :-(
I am still praying that I make it into Catacombs!

I am now officially in Gordon's dance ministry!

Gotta go...it's almost bedtime!

So,...now what? :-)

I went to the chiropractor today.
It's been great, I started going at the beginning of Aug. because I found out my insurance covers it! I have had a pinched nerve in my right shoulder for about 4 years so i finally got x-rayd everything to see if there is something bigger going on. Not that you need to know all this, but basically, i have lost most of the curve in my spinal part of my neck, and that has thrown everything off. So I've been going almost 3 times a week to this chiropractor and it has been really helping! Anywho, I rode my bike there today and I told him I had been swimming and was hoping to be on swim team or was at least considering it and seeing if i had time for it... .and he raised his eyebrows and looked very concerned and said: "Umm... I would definitely limit that right now."
And "limit" means going less than 3 times a week which is what I have to do right now to be able to be ready for swim team when it officially starts. We have 3x a week optional practices right now plus dry land training on the other 2 days....and I shouldn't be doing any of that I just found out. "Limit the arm over head exercises."
I have been praying so much that God would lead me and help me know where to get involved and how much time to put into different things. I am disappointed but at the same time, not at all, that I can't do swim team. It is kinda nice having a good real legit reason to not commit to the team. The chiropractor says I shouldn't! And if I can't be in the pool right NOW 3 times a week because he says my muscle is tryin to heal, i will never be able to catch up to the team and start swimming 6 days a week in October. I think I would ruin myself [shoulder].
So it looks like I've made my decision. Or God has. I can't swim. I'm physically not capable.
I really wanted to challenge myself and see if I could really do it. Balance my time between studies, swimming, work, friends, ministries, and alone/God time....but it looked impossible.... I was gonna try anyway.... But now God has shut that door.
I'm grateful in a way though. The pressure is off. I can commit to other things without worrying so much. I am definitely doing dance ministry now, and I am still praying that I got accepted into one of the 2 worship bands I auditioned for.

Well, I made 2 call-backs! And I've already been to the call-back auditions so now I have to sit and wait. and pray more.

I'm so excited for this year and what God has for me. It must not be swim team, so lead me God! I had a rough start with Orientation and other things in my life, but I am doing okay. I know that God has a plan, and I know He has His reasons for everything that's going on. He fills my loneliness, He takes away my sadness, He is there every minute of every day when other people can't be.
My joy is in Him. And I can trust that whatever happens, He worked it out that way and He just wants me to live for Him, live IN Him, live With Him.



the pictures you see are a few of my close friends (top left), my great roommate Emily on the right, and then me with Charlotte, my great suitemate (on right below the previous).

life begins again!

I'm back at Gordon!!
Actually, I've been here for a while. Half a month!
I moved in early to do Orientation staff stuff... so I had a week of training, then moved in freshmen, had my own "Crew" of freshies, and went into boston with them, met up with them lots, hung out,..... etc....
It was a lot. VERY crazy and I probably will never do that again! There's a lot more to say but I won't right now.

Classes started on the 27, and I'm doing 18 credits again. So far, I'm surviving okay. I am a little worried that I'm trying to do too much though. Besides classes, I will be starting up work again (for Deirdre, the high school consultant) on Tues./Thurs. mornings. I have chapel 3 mornings a week and I'm supposed to go to at least 2 of those 3.

I told Becky I'm gonna try to do dance ministry with her... it's basically dance team, but we do more ballet/lyrical/modern style dancing than the dance TEAM.

I am trying out SWIM TEAM until Oct. 6 (Oct. 6 is the day we have to COMMIT...give it a yes or no and start training 6 days/week!)... so for now I'm doing 3 days a week (with the team..."captain's practices") and 2 mornings a week (just with my roommate). It's pretty intense. I have no idea yet if i'll actually be able to or want to do it when it actually starts up for real.

Tonight I had my first audition for Catacombs band. Catacombs is a Sunday night worship service, and ever since last year I've been wanting to be up on stage singing with them.... last year I only made call-backs, so I'm hoping for better this time around! If i get IN, they practice one day in the week and 2 hours on sunday before performing.

Tomorrow night I audition for CHAPEL WORSHIP band! If I don't get into Catacombs I really wanna do this, so I'm hoping for the best. I don't really know which one is better for me or if I am supposed to even do either one. But I'm praying a lot about all this.... all these opportunities,... and trying to not commit to TOO much! I do have lots of homework obviously these days.

I think if I get into one of the worship bands then I will say no to Gospel Choir this semester even though it was really fun. The thing is that it fell apart 2nd semester and barely existed. Gospel choir basically consisted of me and my 2 best friends. We were the only ones dedicated enough for it. This year apparently they had 30 sign up, and they emailed me to ask me to come back. I guess if I don't get into one of the bands I will do it. It isn't THAT big of a time commitment and it's fun as long as lots of people are in it and serious about it!

I have no idea how I'll do all this, but God is strong and so far it sort of looks like everything will work out. Will I have a life? No..... will i ever have free time?? Probably not. :-) We will see how this goes.

The audition tonight I felt like went awesome.... so I'm hoping tomorrow night goes the same!

I'm excited about my classes this semester/quarter.... I have Journalism I, Public Speaking, Nobel Lit: Poetry and Drama, Western Lit: Homer-Shakespeare, Sociology (doesn't start til 2nd quarter), and Environmental Science (the only one i'm not liking at all). Pretty intense schedule but once this quarter is done, both of my lit classes will be finished!!!

By the way-- the big news is that my family found a place in Pasadena, CA and are living there while they're on furlough!! I'm so happy for them and so excited to get to visit at Christmas!!

OKAY-I need to run to bed but I just thought I should update a little!

get this going

My summer is slowly starting to kick off. I've been here for 5 nights (tonight'll be the 6th) and have been very lazy at night, but what else can i do?
I wish I could see people...I am in need of some socializing.

Okay so it is a big bummer. Verizon doesn't work well at this house at all. I feel like I'm in the Congo! I have to skype, aim, or text people to be able to talk! But that's okay... i need to be grateful for where I get to stay! I should take pictures of this place. It's unbelievable. And when it warms up enough to SWIM, it'll be even more amazing!! After I work, I come upstairs and either check my email and talk to my sister in Congo, or go out on the bike... yesterday I ran to singing beach and read there for a bit then came back. It was sooo nice! On Monday I rode my bike to some shops and bought some stuff I needed/wanted. It was a LONG bike ride-- i probably did 12 miles in all because I took a few wrong turns or missed a turn or something!! Oh well, it was such a nice day! My great aunt normally eats around 7 here, so I have time to shower or read or do whatever before that, and then after dinner it's usually LOST or a movie, .... talking to people online... etc.! Last night though, I PAINTED! Yeah, a 12 year old probably could've done a better job at the picture I painted, but that's ok... I enjoyed it, and it relaxed me a LOT!!!

I started working (doing yardwork) at my great aunt's on monday, and it's been really good. I so much prefer the yardwork in the sun to the cleaning inside that I normally do here! I'm so tired today.... i got enough sleep but I worked from 9:30-4... So I guess it makes sense!

Last Friday was soooo fun. Connie (she lives on my aunt's property and has been such a blessing to me this year) took me and Becky into Boston for dinner and to see the Boston Ballet. She dropped us off at this AMAZING Indian restaurant (best in New England i think) and we went to the ballet by ourselves. The food was SOOOO good, and the ballet was so cool because we sat IN THE SECOND ROW!!!!!! Right behind the orchestra!!!! When the music stopped playing, we could hear the dancers breathing, we were that close! ;-) Crazy... becky and i ate it up!! My second cousin gave us the tickets because she has season tickets.

The next day I went to Maine with Becky, Andy, and Frank. We went to Andy's house and did a lot of hanging out-playing frisbee, eating, beaching, a little sight-seeing... Frank and Andy grilled burgers for us, and they were so good!! It was a nice weekend -- we went to Singing Beach on Sunday, too, and played more frisbee, and got Captn. Dusties ice cream!!!! :-) delish.
This weekend I am going up to Gale Cottage (in New Hampshire I think?) which is a little cabin that's been in my family for years. We'll probably be doing lots of hiking and outdoorsy stuff, and just hanging out. I'm excited! It'll be a nice little getaway with some of my second cousins and second cousins once removed, and maybe my great aunt if she's up for it.
I'm gonna run to dinner now! Can't keep anyone waiting in this Howard house!! :-)